2021.4.11
大家好，我叫Keifer, 我和家母在同一年2013年罹癌，同時在台大醫院治療。我在2013年12月7号凌晨動了第一次的手術，腸造口手術。有誰不知道什麼是腸造口手術請舉一下手(若有人不知道，予以簡單的解釋)。術後的隔一天，隔壁床的大姊正準備出院，出院前她問我是不是基督徒，我說不是。她問我介不介意她把我的個資給台大醫院的基督教教友，我回不介意。
我在同年12月26日動了大腸癌切除手術，在12月24日就須先進院進行術前的清腸前置工作。24日當晚病房只有我一個病人，我大約7點多就熄燈睡覺了，入睡没多久，突然聽到有人在我床前唱平安夜，我睜開眼睛，在一片漆黑的病房裡，在我的床前，有5，6位裝扮成聖誕老公公的模樣，每個人手持著蠟燭，對著我唱著平安夜，燭光點亮了漆黑的病房，然後我感動的哭了，當下我才知道原來我並没有我想像中的堅強。那些扮成聖誕老公公的人是教會的教友。
術後的幾天後，我去了一趟台大醫院的教堂，當時教堂正在整修中，裡頭只有一位在整理内部的阿姨。我穿過了一排排的長條椅子，選了第二排的椅子坐了下來，我看著前面掛著一個十字架，主耶穌被釘在十字架上。這是我生平第一次走進教堂，也是我第一次對主耶稣禱告。我向主耶穌祈求請祂讓我們母子倆脱離現在痛苦，請祂讓我們母子倆平安的渡過這個苦難。刹那間，我感受到一股能量熱熱暖暖的環抱著我胸部的四週，那股能量讓我感到安全，感到平靜，感到被疼惜。我進入了一個忘我的狀態，直到那位阿姨拿了一包衛生紙給我，並碰了我一下。我才從那個狀態裡回神，回神後我發現我淚流满面，我想，我當時應該也哭出聲了，不然那位阿姨不會知道我在哭。
當時家母罹患了肺癌末期，癌細胞巳轉移至全身，醫師在一開始就宣判了她的死刑，没化療3個月，化療一年。家母因癌細胞已轉移至骨頭，常喊著疼，身為基督徒的大嫂，當時請一位教友到家母的病床旁唸聖經給家母聽，家母就不痛了。家母有特殊體質，在她往生前，她說有一次耶穌有來病房看她，家母説上帝是個男的，留著大鬍子。還有一次她在夢中夢到她人在汪洋大海中漂浮著，主耶穌用双手撫摸著她的臉。
因為同婚運動，社會上最大的阻力來自於基督教，所以對我而言，成為一名基督徒一直是一件很掙扎的事。我記得在同婚專法立法後的有一天，我走在路上，迎面來了兩位年輕人，其中一位對我說：主耶穌愛你，祂認為你需要祂的愛。我直接回答：我不需要。年輕人不放棄的再問我那你需要什麼？我回答：我須要同婚納入民法。那年輕人先是愣住了一會，哦哦的2聲後，對我大喊主耶穌愛你！
去年的12月，我確診癌症第2次復發，我陷入了前所未有的混亂，我吃不下，睡不著，我完全無法思考，我當時心裡很明白，若這狀態再持續下去，我不會被癌症打敗，而是我的身體會撐不過化療。在那個月的某一天，教會的弟兄Ten主動的和我連络，我和Ten在6,7年前見過2次面，這些年來没有任何的連絡，老實說，當下我根本不記得他了，當時一直在質疑他為何會有我的line,Ten説他剛換了新手機，而我的line帳号突然從他的line浮了出現。Ten堅持要和我碰面，但當時的我不想和任何人接觸，我當時的身理，心理狀態都太糟了，我不想見任何人。但我說不過Ten的堅持，我和Ten碰面了，我很誠實的告訴他我的狀況，並告訴他我在台大醫院教堂裡的那段經歷。我主動的向Ten提起我聽說台北有一個同志教會，我想去看看。這時，Ten才跟我提及他就是同光教會的教友。那晚，Ten幫我决志了，我想他是主耶穌安排來帶我回家的人。
我第一次來同光是教會舉辦的聖誕晚會，之後我又來了一次禮拜，之後我隔了大約近2個月都没有再來了，因為我和大家一樣的禱告，但我卻感受不到主耶穌，我不但感受不到主耶穌。在那2個月裡，我不但要面對疫病及治療的恐懼，害怕，擔心。更糟糕的是，在那2個月裡，我身邊我親近，信任的家人及朋友一個一個對我做出了傷害我的事，使的當時的我陷入了極度的恐慌，使我有了具體的結束生命的念頭。
在大約一個月前的某個禮拜天的清晨，我搭公車在前往健身房的途中，我向主耶穌禱告，禱告完後我依然感受不到主耶穌，我依然感受不到平靜。於是我在心裡向主耶穌說：祢真的是真神嗎？這2個月來我身邊信任的人一個一個主動的呈現他們不好的一面，傷害著我，這是祢的安排嗎？是祢主動的讓我不用做任何的決定就讓那些人離開了嗎？我的痛是來自於人的心嗎？我所遭遇的疫病及苦難，這一切都是你在準備我嗎？，祢要我去面對，承受，盡自己最大的能力去把事情處理好，然後要我把事情的結果安心的交給祢嗎？我無意冒犯祢，但若這一切都是在祢的安排中，請祢給我一個sign,我須要一個sign!請祢讓坐在我旁邊的那位媽媽主動的和我講話。
在公車經過了2個紅綠燈後，那媽媽當然没主動和我講話，當時我心裡想著，這真是蠢極了，那媽媽當然不會主動和我講話。再經過了5，6個紅綠燈，我的腦袋早就天馬行空的在想著别的事，早忘了剛剛所想的事。再2站我就要下車了，突然旁邊的坐位傳來了一個聲音：先生，請問一下？我被這聲音著實的嚇了一大跳，從椅子上跳了一下，差點跌落坐椅。我訝異地一直看著身邊的這位媽媽，心裡想著難道妳是主耶穌？但這位媽媽看都没有看我一眼，手指指著她手上的手機對我說：我的手機一直設定在鈴響的功能鍵，可是它一直跳回震動，你知道該怎麼弄嗎？於是，我微笑著對那位媽媽說：妳要不要試看看重開機看看，有時候我的手機也會這樣的。那媽媽回答著：對，對，對!並關了手機。老實說從美國回到台灣，最讓我忍受不了的一件事就是在公眾場合，許多人不把自己的手機切換成震動的功能。我微笑著向那位媽媽説了聲再見並下了車。健身完後我又回到了教會的禮拜。
所以從那天起我相信主耶穌是一位有幽默感的真神。從那天起我常常向主耶穌禱告，現在，我在主耶穌的懷裡感受到了平靜。
Hi everyone, I am Keifer. My mother and I were diagnosed with cancer in 2013 and received treatment at National Taiwan University Hospital. I had my first enterostomy surgery on 7th December that year. Is anyone unsure about what that is? (It involves creating an opening into the intestine through the abdominal wall and allows the intestine contents to drain.) On the day after the surgery, an older sister from the bed next to me was getting ready to be discharged from the hospital. Before she did, she asked if I was a Christian and I said I wasn’t. She asked if I minded that she gave my details to a Christian from the hospital and I said that I didn’t mind.
On 26th December of the same year, I had a surgery to remove the tumor from my large intestine, and I needed to be at the hospital two days before to empty the contents in the intestine. On the night of the 24th, I was the only person in the ward and I switched off the lights at about 7pm to go to bed. Not long after I started sleeping, I suddenly heard someone singing “Silent Night”. I opened my eyes. Although the ward was dark, I could see 5 or 6 people dressing up as Santa and stood by my bed with candles in their hands singing “Silent Night”. The light from the candles lit up the dark room and I was so touched I cried. At that moment I realized that I was not as strong as I thought. Those who dressed up as Santa were members of a church.
A few days after the surgery, I went to the church of the hospital and it was under renovation. There was a lady who was arranging the items within. I walked through rows of long benches and sat at the second row. I looked at the cross that was hung up and Jesus was nailed on the cross. That was my first time in a church and the first time I prayed to Jesus. I asked Jesus to free my mom and I from the suffering and peace during this time. In that instant, I felt a warmth that surrounded by chest and it gave me a sense of peace, security and being cherished. I was unaware of my surroundings until the lady gave me a packet of tissues and touched me for a moment. Only in that moment I realized I had cried until my whole face was wet and I realized that I had likely been crying loud enough for her to know.
At that time, my mother was at the final stage of cancer and the cells had spread throughout her body. From the start, the doctor had declared that she would die within 3 months without treatment and in a year with treatment. The cells had spread to her bones and she often cried out in pain. An aunt who was a Christian asked a fellow church member to visit my mother and when the Bible was read, the pain left my mom. My mom was special and before she passed away, she said that Jesus visited her once, and that the Lord is male and has a large beard. There was once she dreamt about floating in the ocean and Jesus used both his hands to touch her face.
It was a major struggle for me to become a Christian because it was the campaign for same-sex marriage at that time and the biggest opposition party was the Christians. I remembered that one of the days after the law for same-sex marriage was passed, there were two youths who told me that Jesus loves me and He thinks I need His love. I immediately replied that I don’t need it. They did not give up and asked what I needed. I replied, “I need the law for same-sex marriage to be passed.” That youth was stunned and said “oh” twice before shouting “Jesus loves you!”
In December last year, I was diagnosed with cancer for the second time and I felt more lost than ever before. I was unable to sleep, eat or think. I understood at that time that if the situation persisted, I was not losing to cancer, but rather that my body was unable to tolerate the treatment. On one of those days in the same month, Ten, a brother from a church took the initiative to contact me. I had met him twice about 6 or 7 years ago, and had no contact since. To be honest, I couldn’t even remember him. I was suspicious about why he had my Line contact. Ten said that he just changed his phone and my Line contact suddenly appeared on his account. He insisted that we meet but I didn’t want to have contact with anyone at that time. My physical and emotional states were too poor and I didn’t want to meet anyone, but I was unable to withstand his persistence. I met Ten and I told him honestly about my situation, as well as what I experienced in the church of National Taiwan University Hospital. I asked Ten about an LGBT church in Taipei and I wanted to visit. Only then did Ten tell me that he was a member of Tong Kwang church. That night, Ten helped me make a decision for Jesus and I guess Jesus sent him to bring me home.
My first time at Tong Kwang was during a Christmas event at the church, and I attended a Sunday service, but I did not go to church for 2 months afterwards because although I had the same prayer as everyone else, I did not feel the presence of Jesus. Not only that, within those two months, I had to face the fears and worries caused by the illness and treatment. Even worse, within those two months I was hurt by my closest and most trusted family members and friends. That caused me extreme anxiety and I had the thought of ending my life.
On one Sunday morning about a month ago, during a bus ride to a gym, I prayed to Jesus. I still did not feel His presence nor a sense of peace. So I said to Jesus in my heart, “Are You the true God? Is this Your plan that the people whom I am close to and trust show their bad side and hurt me? Is it Your plan that those people left me without any choice? Is my pain from people’s hearts? Are the experiences of illness and suffering what You have prepared for me? Do you want me to face, withstand and complete everything in the best of my abilities and hand the results to You? It was not my intention to disobey You, but if all these are part of Your plan, please give me a sign. I need a sign! Please let the mother sitting next to me talk to me on her own accord.”
After the bus passed through two traffic lights, that mother naturally did not talk to me on her own accord. At that point I thought that it was silly. Of course that mother would not talk to me on her own accord. After a further 5 or 6 traffic lights, my thoughts drifted on other topics and forgot about what happened earlier. I was going to alight two stops later and suddenly I heard a voice coming from the seat next to mine, “Sir, may I ask you a question?” I was shocked by the sound and jumped in my seat, almost falling from it. I looked at the mother in surprise and wondered if she was Jesus. Without looking at me, the mother pointed a finger at her phone in her hand and said to me, “My phone is set with an alarm mode but it keeps going back to vibration mode. Do you know how to change this?” So I smiled at the mother and told her, “Do you want to try restarting the phone? Sometimes my phone also does this.” She replied, “Yes, yes, yes!” and switched off her phone. Honestly, since I returned from the States to Taiwan, something I could not tolerate was people not changing their phones to vibration mode in a public setting. I smiled and said goodbye to the mother before alighting from the bus. After the gym session, I returned to the Sunday service at the church.
From that day on, I believe that Lord Jesus is a humorous true God, and I pray to Him often. Now, I feel at peace in Jesus’ embrace.
