彥呈 Yen Cheng
大家好，我的名字叫彥呈，今天我要跟大家分享一段與神相遇，從死蔭幽谷走出，重獲新生命的故事。
從小到大，在師長的眼中，我一直都是一個品學兼優的好學生與乖孩子。還記得是在小學六年級時的某次段考，我考到了人生中的第一個第一名，從此我就更發憤努力的念書，希望可以繼續保持第一名的位置，求取、享受師長們的讚美與肯定。國小、國中畢業時都拿到了市長獎，也常被推選為模範生。我是那種在班級票選幹部時，還會主動舉手願意出來當班長服務大家的好學生XD。
念書這件事，我的父母、老師從來不用為我操心，因為我自己就會把自己逼得很緊。國中時，我就常熬夜唸書到凌晨兩三點。我很享受那種考試拿一百分的感覺，記得最誇張的就是國中入學的第一次段考，八項考試科目裡，我拿了六科滿分，另外兩科也是90分以上，瞬間成了全校的風雲人物。
然而，我卻是那種很會準備小考，但大考就沒那麼厲害的考生。當年國中基測時，我連續考了兩次，還是沒能如大家期待，考上我們高雄第一志願的雄中，最後上了瑞祥高中。不是高雄人的大家，可能沒聽過瑞祥高中，但我們那時都號稱是高雄市立男女合校第一志願XD學校旁邊就是以前的布魯樂谷水上樂園，暑訓上課時，在走廊上還可以聽見滑水道上人們的歡樂尖叫聲！
雖然國中基測好像考差了，但進入高中後，我還是考試第一名的常勝軍，在二年級下學期從自然組轉到社會組後，甚至也考過全校第一名。我繼續維持一貫的讀書方式，但這次很幸運的，我在大學學測中拚盡全力，把國英數社四科都考到了頂標，順利考上了當時心目中的志願：警察大學法律系、國防大學法律系以及中正大學法律系。在當時的人生規劃分析後，我選擇了國防大學法律系。在那年畢業的暑假，年紀僅18歲的我，就穿上了迷彩服，背著沉重的行囊到陸軍官校入伍從軍了。
經過入伍訓的洗禮，回到國防大學管理學院開始就讀法律系。我們的學校位在北投山腳下的復興崗，是一個環境清幽、地靈人傑的好地方。然而軍校終究與一般大學自由快樂的生活截然不同。在高壓管理與霸凌式教導的軍事教育下，一不小心犯錯，就會被長官、學長姐謾罵、體罰，甚至是假日禁足留校。在這樣的高壓環境下，為免被責罵與懲罰，我更加費力地想做好每一件事，不管是念書也好，軍事訓練也罷，繼續努力爭取老師、學長姐、長官們的肯定。
103年畢業任官後，從少尉法制官做起，負責部隊裡大大小小的法律事務。延續著學生時代的生存模式，我從努力爭取好成績，轉變為爭取工作上的好表現，想要把每件工作都做到一百分。日子從以前的熬夜唸書，變成熬夜工作加班。
當然，我也的確獲得了長官的讚賞與重用，如同學生時代，大家總是用「優秀」一詞來肯定我的表現。
然而，隨著工作越來越繁重，我覺得自己內心的壓力也越來越大，總是擔心工作上會不會出毗漏。內心壓力彷彿是一個不斷充氣的大汽球，恐懼著某一天會在工作上犯了大錯，大家就會發現我並不如大家想像中的那麼專業、優秀。
於是，我只能繼續壓抑著內心恐慌的情緒，繼續用過度努力的方式來做好每一件工作。還記得那時候，只要每過星期天中午，我的內心就會開始不自覺的恐慌與焦慮，而我當時唯一的緩解方式，就是下午提早收假回到營區辦公室加班。
雖然外表總是親切、笑臉迎人，但卻沒有人能理解、發現我內心那一顆，瀕臨爆炸的，混雜著恐懼與壓力的大氣球。
畢業不到4年，我經歷了高雄、台南、花蓮、台東等多個單位。在107年的5月，我輪調外島去到了馬祖。在馬祖，我的辦公室只有一位組長及學長，而我那時也才正要升上尉。辦公室的業務非常的多，但我與學長卻是輪流返台休假。也就是說，很多時候辦公室只有組長及一位參謀，所以業務負荷量非常的繁重。外島上班，一週必須工作六天，星期天從早上8點放假，休息到晚上9點就要收假點名，且3個月才能回台灣放假2週。
外島陸軍單位是以高壓方式實施部隊管理，因為我是組上階級最小的，所以每天5點就要起床換裝，代表參加升旗典禮。然後接著早點名、統一進餐廳吃早餐、開晨報會議，然後接著開始一整天的忙碌工作。
這樣的環境下，在唯一的學長也調走後，我的工作狀況開始越來越糟。繁重的業務，讓我每天晚上熬夜加班，連星期天放假也繼續工作。隨著做不完的工作越積越多，我只能繼續用犧牲睡眠、個人休息時間的方式苦撐下去，但心緒也越來越低落。就這樣，沒有足夠的睡眠，也沒有好好的放鬆、從事休閒運動，生理與心理狀態逐漸開始亮起紅燈，工作效率越來越差，落入了可怕的惡性循環。
隨著工作開始出現一連串大大小小的誤失後，我覺得我一直努力維持的好形象終於崩塌了。我變得越來越沒自信，每天都在緊張與恐懼中度過。我開始每晚做惡夢，惡夢的內容大多也都與工作有關。我常常在半夜被惡夢嚇醒，在半睡半醒之際，分不清現實與夢境，繼續為剛剛夢境裡不存在的工作內容而苦惱不已。我感到自己孤立無援，徬徨無助，沒有人可以幫助我，也不敢向人開口求救。我逐漸對活著這件事感到失去盼望。在島上騎乘機車穿梭各營區洽公時，每當看到對向車道的大卡車，好幾次我都閉上了眼睛，想說就這樣把機車龍頭彎過去，了結這痛苦的人生……但一想到家人的傷心表情，才被理智線給硬拉了回來。
終於熬到第2次的返台休假，我彷彿洩了氣的皮球，完全沒辦法放鬆、振作自己的心情。任何事情都沒有辦法讓我感到興趣或開心。我覺得自己一無是處，從原本的自信轉變為極度自卑。把自己關在家裡不想出門，看著窗外晴朗的藍天，內心卻是烏雲壟罩，愁雲慘澹，好像自己永遠就會這樣一蹶不振下去。就這樣熬到了要搭飛機回馬祖的早上，強烈巨大的恐懼與恐慌感瞬間襲上心頭，全身顫抖的異狀讓父母立刻幫我請假並送醫就診。
後來，我因為嚴重的憂鬱症狀住進了台中國軍總醫院的精神病房。住院期間，我與一大群精神疾患的病友們相處在一起，有因為憂鬱症開瓦斯鬧自殺的老爺爺，有因為躁鬱症而無法順利退休的大公司經理，有因為被朋友騙錢而變成精神異常、失去生活自理能力的中年醫生，當然還有很多精神瘋癲，舉止怪異的病友……在病房裡我看盡人生百態。
在醫院休息將近一個月，我接到調回本島的人令，自認已調整好狀態的我，向主治醫生提出出院重返職場的決定。
回到本島後來到新竹某空軍基地，那是一個獨立法制官的位置，也就是說，我沒有其他法律專長的同事一起幫忙。雖然我已不是第一次擔任獨立法制官，但回到職場開始工作後，才發現自己的身心根本還沒有痊癒，並驚覺自己竟喪失了正常工作的能力。我無法專注思考，常常盯著電腦好幾個小時，卻打不出幾個字來。我甚至出現社交恐懼，不太敢跟人說話，因為我怕一說話，同事就會發現我的異常。就這樣，做不完的工作又開始不斷累積。隨著工作越積越多，壓力也就越來越大。工作越是做不完，我就越是把自己關在辦公室，就這樣熬到凌晨半夜，卻還是什麼都做不了。
就這樣，不到一個月，上級又把我從新竹調來了台北，一個有法務組的單位。還記得那時長官對我說，這是我最後一次的機會，再不行，他們也沒地方讓我去了。
回到台北的單位，我的工作狀況仍舊糟糕。每天一起床睜開眼睛，心臟就開始恐慌地加速跳動，對我來說，從睡夢中醒來就是一天痛苦折磨的開始。雖然這次遇到一位很有愛心及耐心的主管，以及願意包容我的學長與學妹，然而，他們越是幫我分擔業務，我就越感到自責與自卑，覺得自己好沒有用。我常常在大家下班後，獨自一個人留在辦公室加班到深夜。好多個夜晚，在瀕臨崩潰之際，猶豫著是否就此賠錢退伍。但當時的我，已對自己完全喪失了信心，不知道自己退伍後還能做什麼自力更生? 就這樣每天如行屍走肉般活著。只有在睡前把醫生開的幾顆藥丸吞下，在藥效發揮，頭腦逐漸昏沉下，才能稍稍得到紓解，並慢慢地進入沉睡。隔日醒來再繼續開啟痛苦折磨的輪迴。
在遇到人生低潮挫折前，我近乎是一個自傲的無神論者，覺得人死了就死了，並沒有神明的存在，也當然沒有所謂的天堂與地獄。也因為這樣，我覺得人凡事只能倚靠自己，只有自己才是個人生命的主人，任何宗教信仰只不過是勸人為善，尋求精神寄託的童話故事。
從出院返回職場後，我的媽媽就開始帶我上教會。那是在台中的某個基督徒聚會處，還記得就在新竹報到上班的前一日，媽媽帶著恐慌、無力的我來到教會，在教會阿姨們的介紹帶領下，我做了人生中的第一次禱告，邀請主耶穌進入我的內心與生命。
在剛開始信主的過程中，我每天努力的禱告，求主恢復我本來的樣子，把失去的快樂給找回來，但好像也不見成效。禱告的當下似乎能得到短暫的平安，但過不了多久，就又被恐懼及壓力給擊垮了。如前所述，我依舊活在每日痛苦的輪迴之中，當然也曾懷疑過這位神的真實存在。
然而，主耶穌在人生命上的動工是一點一滴地，悄悄地，是讓人難以察覺地，卻自始從未停止過。就在某一天，某個時刻，你突然意識到心中滿溢的平安喜樂，感受到溫暖明媚的陽光時，才發現在不知不覺中，神已經默默牽著你的手，走了好久好長的路，終於帶領你走出了死蔭幽谷。
我不知道我是在哪一天從憂鬱的低谷中走出來的，但我確切知道，這是愛我的神持續動工，讓萬事互相效力下所展現出的神蹟。在這漫長的療癒過程中，我遇見了教會的弟兄姊妹，陪著我一起聚會禱告，堅固我對於神的信心；遇見了生命中的貴人主管及同事，陪著我一起慢慢地，重新建立工作上的專業與自信；遇見了一群溫暖熱情的新朋友，帶著我爬起了郊山，登上了百岳，看見了以前不曾體驗過的壯闊風景；也在這過程中，我更加感受到父母與好朋友們對我的愛，原來是無條件的。真正愛你的人，並不會因為你不優秀了，你不好了，就對你失望而離棄你。我不需要汲汲營營的尋求個人表現、討好他人，才有資格獲得他人的關愛。
生命有了裂縫，陽光才照的進來。回首這一段人生低潮的經歷，雖然當下是痛苦不堪，甚至失去了對生命的盼望，但也因為這樣讓我終於敞開內心，讓主耶穌成為了我的生命之主，與神恢復了連結，從死裡復活，重新活出嶄新、喜樂的生命。
在人不能，在神凡事都能。過去的我，彷彿孤身一人，凡事只能倚靠自己有限的能力，在這個世界單打獨鬥，身心滿是傷痕累累。如今的我，凡事交託給神，不再因這世俗的變動而輕易丟失心中的喜樂；不再看重世人對我的眼光與評價，而是定睛專注仰望神，看重的是我與神的關係。
相信愛我們的神，是使萬事互相效力的神。不管當下看起來是好是壞，一切的安排，相信都有來自神，親自為我們量身打造，充滿祝福的美好計畫。希望我的見證分享可以讓大家對我們神更有信心，凡事順服，凡事謝恩，靠主得勝，祝福大家都能活出平安喜樂的豐盛生命。感謝主！
Hello everyone, I am Yen Cheng. Today, I am going to share a story where God and I met, and I had a new life after walking out of the valley of the shadow of death.
In the eyes of my teachers when I was growing up, I was a bright student and obedient child. I remember when I was in 6th grade and I was taking a mid-semester exam, I obtained the top position the very first time in my life. Since then, I worked extremely hard hoping to maintain the top position to earn and enjoy the praises and approval of my teachers. When I graduated from elementary and junior high school, I obtained the mayor’s award and was frequently nominated to be a model student. I was the type whom when being voted for the class committee, would be a good student and take the initiative to raise my hand and volunteer to be the class chairman and serve everyone.
My parents and teachers never had to worry about my studies, because I would always force myself to study hard. When I was in junior high school, I would study until 2 to 3 in the morning. I thoroughly enjoyed getting full score in the exams. The most extreme moment was in my first mid-semester exam, I obtained a perfect score for six out of eight subjects, and the other two were above 90 points, and I instantly became very well known in the whole school.
Even so, I would be very well prepared for tests, but I was not that good at major exams. At that time in the entrance exam to get into a senior high school, I sat for the exam twice, and still did not meet everyone’s expectations to enter the top school in Kaohsiung, which was Kaohsiung Senior High School, and I ended up in Rueisiang Senior High School. Those who are not from Kaohsiung may not have heard of Rueisiang Senior High School, but it was the top mixed gender school in Kaohsiung at that time. The Blue Lagoon water theme park was beside the school and during the summer classes, we could hear excited screams of the people on the slides from the corridors!
Although it seemed like I didn’t do well in the entrance exams, but once I was in senior high, I was frequently the top student. When I moved from the second year of natural sciences to the humanities, I was the top student in the school. I continued my studying habits, but this time I was lucky and studied extremely hard in the college entrance exams and scored really well for the mandarin, english, mathematics and humanities exams and successfully got into my dream college which was the law faculty of the Central Police University. Between the law faculties of the National Defense University and National Chong Cheng University, I chose the law faculty of the National Defense University. That summer after graduation at the tender age of 18, I wore the camouflage uniform, carried a heavy backpack and entered the military academy to be a soldier.
After being immersed in military training, I returned to the National Defense University to study law. Our school is located at Fuxinggang, which is at the foothills of Beitou. Then environment is tranquil and the people are distinguished. However, studying in a military university is still different from the carefree lifestyle of ordinary universities. The educational methods are highly stressful and we were bullied. If we accidentally made a mistake, we would be scolded, punished or confined in school during the weekends by our officers or seniors. In this highly stressful environment, I would want to do everything well, regardless of whether it was studying or military training so that I would not be scolded or punished, and also to win the approval of my teachers, seniors and officers.
When I graduated in 2014, I started as a second lieutenant enforcement officer, and was in charge of all of the team’s law administration. Continuing my ways of living while I was a student, I changed from working hard to obtain good results, to working hard to perform my duties well, and do every job perfectly. My days changed from studying till late nights to working overtime.
Of course I obtained the praises of the senior officers and was given many opportunities, and as my student days, everyone would use the term “outstanding” to approve my performance.
Even so, as the workload got heavier, I found the stress within me increasing, and constantly feared making mistakes, causing everyone to discover that I am not as professional or outstanding as they imagined me to be.
Hence, I could only continue to suppress the sense of panic and continue to work hard to do well in every job. I still remember during that time, on every Sunday noon, I would start to panic and worry. My only way of relief is to return early in the afternoon to the district office to work overtime. Although outward I am friendly and smiling at people, but nobody can understand or discover the fear and stress which accumulated like a huge balloon that was about the explode.
Within less that 4 years after graduating, I had worked in Kaohsiung, Tainan, Hualien and Taitung. In May 2018, it was my turn to go to the offshore island of Matsu. The office only had one team leader and one senior, and I was about to be promoted to captain. There was much administrative duties, but the senior officer was occasionally returning to the main island during his off days. This also means that there was only the team leader and an advisor, hence the administrative duties were heavy and burdensome. At an offshore island, there are six workdays in a week. The rest day starts from eight in the morning till nine at night and there would be a roll call. For every three months, I can only return to the main island for a two week vacation.
The land military base is a high stress organization, and as I was the lowest ranking officer in my team, I had to wake up every morning at five to change and represent my team to be at the flag raising ceremony. After that it was the roll call, having breakfast at the dining hall, the morning meeting and then I start the day’s busy work schedule.
In this environment, when the only senior officer was relocated, my work situation became gradually worse. The heavy workload caused me to work overtime every night and even when it is my off day on Sunday, I had to continue working. As the amount of unfinished work started accumulating, I had no choice but to sacrifice my sleep. I used my rest time to struggle on but I got more and more depressed. Hence, I did not have enough sleep, relaxation or exercise, and my bodily and emotional condition was on red alert. My work efficiency decreased and that started a vicious cycle.
As I started making big and small mistakes, I felt that the image that I worked hard to build was falling apart. I became less confident and every day I was living in anxiety and fear. I started having nightmares every night and the content was mainly about work. I often wake up from the nightmares in the middle of the night and in my half asleep state I cannot differentiate between dream and reality. I would continue to be frustrated by the non-existent work that was in the dream. I felt alone and helpless, nobody could help me and I did not dare to ask for help. I gradually lost hope in life. When I was riding a scooter passing through various military regions and whenever I saw large trucks on the opposite direction, I would close my eyes many times and thought of turning my scooter and ending this miserable life. However, when I thought of the sorrowful expressions of my family members, I was pulled back by reasoning.
Finally I struggled till the second vacation to the main island and I was like a deflated balloon, totally unable to relax and cheer up. Nothing can make me excited or happy. I felt that I was nothing and my initial confidence turned into a lack of self-worth and I shut myself at home and did not want to go out. I looked at the blue sky of a sunny day but inside, I had dark clouds of gloom, as if I was always going to be devastated. I struggled until the morning I returned to Matsu and a strong sense of fear and anxiety overcame me, and the unusual situation of my whole body shaking caused my parents to help me apply for leave and send me to the hospital for diagnosis.
Eventually, I moved into the Taichung Military Hospital’s mental illness ward because of severe depression. During my stay, I lived with a big group of patients with mental illnesses. There was a grandpa who was depressed and tried to kill himself by turning on the butane gas, a manager of a big company who could not successfully retire because of anxiety, one whose mental state became worse because of being cheated of money by their friend, a middle aged doctor who lost the ability for self-care, and many who went mad and had strange behavior. In the ward, I saw many facets of life.
After resting in the hospital for about a month, I received an order to return to the main island. The doctor proposed for me to be discharged and return to the workplace after I has recognized that my condition has improved.
When I returned to the main island to an air force base in Hsinchu, I was an independent law enforcement officer, which means that I did not have any colleagues that had law expertise to help. Although it was not my first time being an independent law enforcement officer, it was only when I returned to the workplace and started working that I realized my emotional state had not fully recovered, and I was shocked to realize that I had lost my usual working ability. I was unable to focus and think, often staring at the computer for a few hours and was only able to type a few words. And so, the unfinished work started accumulating and the stress increased. As work because unfinished, I would continue to shut myself in the office and stayed till early in the morning, and even so, I couldn’t do anything.
And so, within a month, my superior moved me from Hsinchu to Taipei to a law administration position. I still remember at that time my supervisor told me that this is my final chance. If this does not work out, they have nowhere to place me.
When I returned to Taipei, my work situation was still poor. Every day when I woke up and opened my eyes, my heartbeat would increase due to anxiety and to me, waking up from my dreams was the start of pain and suffering. Although I met a very caring and patient supervisor, and peers who are willing to compromise, the more they helped me with my work, the more I blamed myself and lost confidence, and felt that I was useless. I would often stay alone in the office and work overtime after everyone got off work until it was late at night. Many a night when I was about to give up and hesitated on whether to pay compensation and leave the military. At that time, I fully lost confidence and was unsure of what I could do after leaving. And so, I lived like a walking corpse and only before sleep, I swallowed a few tablets that the doctor prescribed. Under the influence of medication, I felt sleepy and could get some relief, sinking into deep sleep. The next day I would wake up and continue the cycle of pain and suffering.
Before I entered the lowest point of my life, I was virtually a proud atheist. I felt that death was the end and there was no god. Of course, there was no such thing as heaven or hell. It was because of this I felt that I could only depend on myself and I am the master of my life. Any religion was just encouraging people to do good works and fairytales to seek spiritual wellbeing.
After being discharged from the hospital and returning to the workplace, my mother started bringing me to church. That was a certain gathering for Christians in Taichung. I remembered the day before I was supposed to report to Hsinchu, my mother brought the anxious and helpless me to church and the aunts at the church introduced and led me to pray for the first time in my life, inviting Jesus to enter my heart and life.
When I first believed in Jesus, I prayed hard every day, asking Him to restore me to who I was before and return the lost joy to me, but there doesn’t seem to have any result. Prayer seems to bring a moment of peace, but not long after, stress and fear struck me. As I described before, I continued to live a cycle of suffering and naturally I suspected whether this God is real.
Even so, the work in my life that Jesus did was gradual and quiet, which is difficult to detect, but never stopped. One day, at a certain moment, you will suddenly discover that the heart is filled with peace and joy and the warmth of sunlight. Only then, you will discover that when you did not notice, God has already quietly held your hand and walked a long way for a long time, and eventually led you to walk out of the darkest valley.
I have no idea I walked out of the valley of depression, but I certainly know that this is the continuous work of the God who loves me, and let all things work together to showcase this miracle. In this long process of healing, I met brothers and sisters in church who prayed together during meetings and strengthened my faith in God. I also met an awesome supervisor and awesome colleagues who accompanied me to slowly redevelop my confidence in my job, and a group of warm hearted new friends who helped me climb mountains and reached the peaks, experiencing glorious sceneries. Also in this process, I felt the love of my family and good friends even more deeply, and this love is unconditional. The people who really love you, will not be disappointed and leave you even when you are no longer outstanding or performing well. I no longer need to pursue personal performance and please others to earn their love and care.
Only when there are cracks in life, will sunlight be able to shine through. Looking back upon the experience of life’s low moments, there was suffering for sure, and even the loss of hope in life, but it is also because of this that I finally opened my heart and allowed Jesus to be Lord of my life. The relationship with God was restored, I was resurrected from the dead and lived a brand new joyful life.
In man it is impossible, but with God, everything is possible. The old me was as if I was alone and I can only depended on my limited abilities in all things, fighting alone in this world and wounded all over in both my heart and body. Today, I can give all things to God and no longer lose the joy in my heart easily because of the changes in the world, and I no longer need to place importance in the judgement and opinions of the people in the world. I only need to fix my eyes on God and what is important to me is my relationship with God.
I believe in the God who loves me, and causes all things to work together. It does not matter whether it seems good or bad, I trust that all things comes from God and are personally planned by Him especially for us, and they are plans to bless us. I hope that the sharing of my testimony can help everyone have more confidence in our God, submit to Him and give thanks to Him for all things, depending on Him for the victory. I wish that everyone can live out a life of peace, joy and abundance. Thanks be to God!
